Spit The Past Out
by superfufu
Summary: It's so hard to live inside the darkness of your soul, inside the cold windowless room you call your life, trapped within your own shallow predicaments. Ken takes the challenge of freeing Toru. [HanagataFujima, R for violence and very dark themes.]
1. Foreword

**SPIT THE PAST OUT**

**Foreword **

Toru Hanagata was not a good boy.

In fact, I was a very bad boy. My dad's always out, leaving me alone most of the time, and I have no brothers or sisters. My life was a total garbage can. I hated the world, hated myself, and hated the only person that noticed I existed.

Kenji Fujima.

I just turned 16 then. I was young; I was still looking for my purpose, my direction. And I couldn't seem to find it. Just because of that damn boy.

_-tsuzuku-_


	2. Wake

**Wake **

_Tension is building inside steadily  
(Everyone feels so far away from me)  
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me  
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)  
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)  
(All I ever think about is this)  
(All the tiring time between)  
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me_

Toru sat by his window; his room was very messy no one could tell what's scattered anymore. He was, as always, thinking of his life. His life? He thought he had no life. If he had, it would be as messed up as his room right now. He hadn't proved anything to anyone, even to himself, even after this long a time.

He spat.

Just because of that damn Kenji Fujima, the only person who treated him as a friend. But he was never grateful. Never. Actually, he never wanted it. He resented it with all the days he lived. He hated Fujima, period.

Of all the years of his existence, that would be exactly 16 years to date, he always dwelled under Fujima's shadow, under that perfect boy's shadow. Fujima always bested him in everything they did, and Toru always stood second. At school, that boy was the only one liked. He was the very amicable smart kid everybody was fond of. Schoolmates only knew the name Toru Hanagata because of the name Kenji Fujima. Nobody knew him for him. Even at basketball--which is most unacceptable to him, for his pride soared higher than the sky. He was simply a great player, but he was never the best. He did not know why, but he still stood second. Second to that damn Fujima.

Knock, knock.

"Toru-kun?"

Speaking of the devil.

"Yo."

The door opened to a smiling Kenji, who wore a mask of innocence and beautiful perfection. His bright expression angered Toru more.

"Why 'ya here?" The taller boy asked, rather roughly, his face in a mild scowl. Somehow he couldn't show his anger straightaway to his friend, because somehow he felt the innocent kindness Kenji has always showed in spite of his growing hatred.

The boy almost tripped over the messy floor. "Eh, I just wanted to see how you are doing on your birthday, is that so bad?" Ken was still smiling.

"I'm not sick." Toru muttered, his gaze returning to the view outside his window.

The smaller boy walked nearer to where his friend sat, carefully making his way without tripping again. "Toru-kun, you don't look so good."

"Don't call me that." He said coldly, annoyed.

The smile faded away for a second, but came back. "Oh really? Toru, Toru, Toru, Toru…" He sang cheerfully.

Toru glared at the other boy in annoyance. "I _said _don't call me that."

The smile couldn't help but go away. It hurt. This was definitely not the Toru Hanagata he used to know. Now the smile won't come back anymore. There was something wrong.

"What's wrong?" Kenji asked, his gentle face now a mask of seriousness, his playful voice now a real man's voice as he sat by the ledge beside Toru.

"You don't fucking care."

Now the beautiful boy couldn't extend his patience anymore. Why does Toru need to curse at him anyway? "Why are you so mad at me!" He almost shouted as he stood up from his seat and settled at a brief distance.

"You wanna know why I'm so mad at you! _I'm mad at you because you are you!_" The taller boy shouted. Ken tried not to flinch but failed. Toru stood up and grabbed him by both arms, shaking him like a helpless child. "You always had everything!" Ken just squinted his eyes in horror. "Why do you keep on befriending me! Is this how you wanna humiliate me, right at the face!"

"What are you—"

Then Toru stopped and sat back by the window. Composure. "Just—just go away." He said, his face twitched in a picture of disgust. He could not believe himself for breaking down like that.

But Kenji did not move at all. He just stood there, gazing at his friend with welling blue eyes. He was sad for Toru and his predicament, and guilty for the misery he had been giving his friend unconsciously.

"Don't look at me like that. I told you, go away."

Not an inch.

_Tic…tock…tic…tock…_

_"Do whatever you want."_ The boy's face and voice had faded away. Ken stood up straight, his chin tilted upward not in arrogance but in dignity, his eyes closed in acceptance. Just for forgiveness.

Toru turned to look. That look of peace in his friend's face, like a man about to be executed. He did not speak for he did not understand.

"I'm sorry if I did anything to make you end up like this. If you're really that mad, I'll accept anything you will do. I'm sorry."

"Anything…" The black-haired boy whispered as he stood up from his refuge. He stood face to face with the brown-haired boy. "Anything…" He whispered again.

"Yes." Kenji replied calmly, as his eyes remained closed.

Toru eyed the smaller boy from head to foot. Beautiful chocolate hair, perfectly curved eyebrows, face a mixture of feminine and masculine beauty, thick lashes, flawless porcelain skin, thick pink lips. A body with a perfect mix of capacity for dominance and graceful perfection. He really was perfect, the great alpha male.

He spat.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked softly yet forcefully, his face very close to the other, his breath blowing gently at the beautiful face.

"I'm sorry."

Anger. Chance. Humiliation. Revenge.

Large, strong hands framed Ken's sweet face firmly as Toru kissed him violently. The beautiful boy's eyes were still closed as he was dumped into the bed. He did not move to open his eyes; he did not do anything at all. He was scared.

"_You will know how you humiliate me_."

Kenji started trembling at those words. He kept his eyes shut tight for he was afraid of what his eyes will show him. He felt his friend jump on top of him, and felt the strength as his clothes were ripped off him. He flinched a little as he felt the cold winter air against his skin.

The violent way he was kissed again made his lips ache. He felt his friend's tongue push through his taut lips, and he just opened them unwillingly, letting in a wrestle inside his mouth. He squinted his eyes. Then it stopped.

"Look at me." He heard Toru's deep voice say. He did not open his eyes. "I said look at me." Frightened at the thundering tone, he did as he was told. He looked at Toru's eyes. He couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the anger and hatred he saw in them.

He threw his head back, his mouth opened to let out a strangled cry in sudden pain as he felt Toru forcibly penetrate his body in one full blow, tearing soft flesh as he did. A line of tears couldn't help but escape from his squinted eyes. His knuckles were white against the bedclothes as the pain repeated itself upon him.

"Look at me." Toru commanded. But Kenji could not open his eyes in pain. "Look…at…me…" He repeated, his breath a forceful whisper as he thrust so hard the bed slammed constantly against the wall. The music it created was his anger's requiem.

The poor boy looked at his friend's eyes, his own azure ones begging for mercy as he cried in forced silence. The pain was unbearable, both in his body and deeper. Toru looked back at him with all his loathing, his smile was of retribution.

Ken felt to helpless. He felt so dirty. He felt to alone and worthless. What has he done to deserve this?

Toru tightened his grip on his friend's frail shoulders as he released his anger inside him, then all was still. He pulled out, and all he saw was blood. Crimson against white sheets and splattered on his skin. He had drawn blood from the boy. He rolled onto the other side of the bed and closed his eyes in exhaustion, a bitter smile pasted on his face.

Kenji was curled up in a fetal position; his back facing the other boy as tears silently escaped his eyes. Pain. And more pain.

The black-haired boy stood up and proceeded to his bathroom, leaving his wasted friend alone on his bed. He looked back and saw his crime. His victory. He smiled cynically. It was such a beautiful sight.

He came back from the bathroom after a few minutes and returned to sit beside Ken on the bed. He glanced at the poor boy's back that was facing him. Yes, this is what he wanted. To humiliate his friend in the worst way, the worst way to humiliate any alpha male, or any man for that matter, was to bend his masculinity with defeat. But he did not feel contented. He wanted him to suffer more.

Kenji Fujima cried himself to sleep that night, beside the man who caused his weakness and pain. He chose to do this. He would not turn back.

Toru woke up the next morning with the steamy smell of coffee coming from a mug on the bedside table. Ken was not there and his room was not like when he last saw it the night before. Everything was back in its proper place. The stained bedclothes were not there either.

_You couldn't change my mind with this. Not until you tell me to stop when you can't bear it anymore. _

At school, Kenji Fujima was still his same old self to others. But seeing him like that only made Toru smirk every single time. The damn boy might be still the same to everybody, but Toru knew the difference. It pleased him but angered him as well. He wanted Ken to show to everybody what he felt like after his worst humiliation. But he didn't. Because the boy wanted himself to know that he had accepted it, and he would proudly stand behind his choice like a man. He would not falter, nor pretend. It disgusted Toru, but more than that, it motivated him into more pain infliction.

Neither wanted to give up.

_tsuzuku-_


	3. Whisper

**Whisper **

_Don't turn away  
Don't give in to the pain  
Don't try to hide  
Though they're screaming your name  
Don't close your eyes  
God knows what lies behind them  
Don't turn out the light  
Never sleep never die_

Night after night, pain and violence came through the open door. Days folded to weeks and weeks quietly turned into months. But it was all the same, every night. The pains of failure danced in both, but so were pride and want that acted as support to carry on.

Kenji's skin was cold and pale that day, and he was not feeling well. He tried to keep up his usual image to cover it up. Hardly anyone noticed. He was quite a good actor.

After spending the remainder of another wasted night in a bathtub of freezing water, this is what he felt. Numbness of the body to the pain, and numbness of the mind. But never the numbness of the heart.

Toru watched him intently during basketball practice. Hardly any of the three-pointers he made was successful, and his stamina was less than usual. Now this is a thing he cannot force his body to make. He can't cheat anybody with this one now.

"Hey, Fujima. What is happening to you?"

"Yo, are you ok, man?"

"Is something wrong? Are you not feeling fine?"

Kenji always answered with the signature smile. Toru just watched.

The boy was wearing an armband on both wrists today, when he usually wore nothing. Toru smirked. _Clever bitch, _he thought. The reason? The marks of abuse.

--

_"Lay down."_

_Kenji was always an obedient boy. Especially when he obtained bruises just to be one, like this time. He laid down the bed. _

_"I want to have some fun tonight." Toru said as he approached where his friend lay. He straightened out Ken's collar. "Don't you want to have some fun?"_

_The brown-haired boy did not speak, just staring at Toru._

_"Don't you?!"_

_"…Yes…" He breathed, frightened. Toru was the only person who can scare him. He did not know why, but he never failed to flinch even at the slightest rise of the deep voice._

_The tall boy smiled grimly as he started to undo the buttons of his friend's uniform. He gently slid the shirt off his friend, followed by everything else he wore. _

_He closed his eyes. As far as Kenji knows, half his closet was filled with broken and ripped clothing. What was happening? Perhaps Toru had…_

_He heard ripping sounds._

_He reminded himself that it was, as always been, foolish to think that Toru can change the way he treated him. He always ended up frustrated everytime he entertained the idea._

_He just let his arms be hauled away from his frame and onto the bed's corner, and realized that it was being tied way too firmly to the bedpost, followed by his other wrist and both his feet. Toru had tied him up with his own clothes._

_"There. I know you won't resist, but I've wanted to try that. You look way cute anyway."_

_Tears silently started to slip from Ken's closed eyes. He haven't got used to being treated as a toy, even after so long a time. This was the worst game so far. _

_"I said you look cute, but you're crying again."_

_"I'm sorry." The boy replied, trying to stop._

_Toru wiped the side of his friend's beautiful face gently. "It's ok…" The tall boy stood up from his bed and started to take off his clothes. "…You just be a good boy for me." He returned to his bed, straddling Kenji by the abdomen. "So, what do you want to do?" He asked, smiling._

_"…Anything you want to do."_

_"Really?" There was amusement in his voice. "Would you take it then?"_

_Kenji closed his eyes shut, for they were beginning to well again. If Toru loved a good show, it was when he humiliated him with Ken's own will that he be his toy. Toru could have just acknowledged Ken's usual unspoken acceptance, but he loved asking him, crushing further than sexual degradation. He did not speak._

_"I thought you'd be a good boy for me tonight."_

_"Yes."_

_"Would you take it then? Like this?"_

_"…Yes."_

_"Open up then."_

_He did become a good boy. He opened his mouth. Toru did not move at first, just staring at Ken, smiling. Humiliating his friend really was his favorite show. He traced the tip of his middle finger on Ken's pink, tout lower lip before plunging it in, wrestling his friend's tongue with his fingers. Ken squinted his eyes._

_He took out the digits after some moments of play and put them in his own mouth. "Mm, your mouth tastes like candy. Trust me, I'm sweeter. You'll see." He said as he leaned forward and rammed himself all the way inside his friend's sweet mouth. Ken was unconsciously fighting against the bonds, almost tearing the skin of his wrists._

_Toru's knuckles turned white against the headboard as he came, slight tremors of release coursing through the whole of his body. He pulled out and straightened his back. Ken swallowed and tried not to vomit or else he would choke to death, tied flat like that. _

_"Good boy." Toru smiled sarcastically. He moved down to Ken's. He held him in his hand and pumped him for several times, arousing him fully. Then he stopped. He glanced at his friend's wincing face. Obviously, Ken was hurting down there._

_"So… you want me to make you come?"_

_Kenji almost couldn't speak from the frustrating pain. "…Yes…" He breathed, cringing._

_"What? I didn't hear you." _

_"…Make me come…" He breathed again. He did not want it, but he, nevertheless, _was _male. And it was hurting so badly. And he couldn't move._

_Toru chuckled snidely. "Beg."_

_"Please…it hurts…"_

_The taller boy bended down, and for a second, Ken thought that his friend would actually take it. But then, Toru just smiled and moved up towards him. Before the smaller boy could remind himself that he, after all, was _the_ bitch, the pain of being entered and the pain of his head suddenly banging on the headboard, not to mention the sudden wrench of his wrists against the bounds, slapped him in the face with the fact._

_Two more head-banging thrusts and the smaller boy came, and it was another half a dozen times or so before the taller one did. He pulled out and rolled onto the bedside, panting heavily. Ken was desperately wishing the bands off in silence._

_"So, ya wanna get out of those, eh? Why don't ya call your friend Aoyama to untie them for ya?" Toru said angrily and lazily at the same time._

_Ken stopped his wishing, and realized why he got his punishment. At the least._

_--_

_Toru had freed him from the binds at the end, but it took him a lifetime to do so. Ken glanced at his wrists. Ugly rings in a mix of black, blue, purple and reddish-pink colors, almost bleeding, marked them. He could tell that his feet were nowhere far while he practically can't walk himself to Toru's bathroom._

_He turned on the bathroom lights and washed his face by the sink. After some moments of staring blankly down on the marbled sink, he plugged up the drain and let the water basin in. He then plunged his head in the water, getting out only when he was at the pit of drowning himself. He glanced at his face on the mirror, and the glance turned to a stare. He started crying unconsciously, and then touched the mirror. _

_This is what he had become._

_The tears started to become audible, and he just ran towards the tub. He almost tripped flat on the cold flooring on weakness, but he managed to grip the edge of the tub. He weakly reached for the water knob, turning the cold water on. He tried to stand up and barely succeeded then dropped inside. He gathered his knees and kept them close to himself as he continued to cry._

_The man lying on the bed was only half asleep then, and the sound of the cries and sobs lulled him to sleep._

_--tsuzuku_


	4. Breathe

**Breathe **

_And now  
You've become a part of me  
You'll always be right here  
You've become a part of me  
You'll always be my fear  
I can't separate  
Myself from what I've done  
Giving up a part of me  
I've let myself become you_

"Ken!" A distinctly soft yet powerful voice echoed through the gym as Kenji collapsed in the solid floor.

His name was Kaworu Aoyama, senior student, manager - Shoyo High basketball team. He was standing at six feet two inches, clean-cut black hair. He resembled Toru basically in appearance, if only for the glasses and the eyes. He had dark jade ones instead of raven.

Kaworu ran towards the unconscious boy lying on the ground. He checked his pulse and breathing. Everyone was nervous due to the absence of the coach, Kaworu's father. The echoes of worrying teammates were silenced as he spoke. "He's just fainted."

And when Toru was about to rise from his seat, expecting that he would be asked to bring the insensible boy to the infirmary, as he was the closest to him anybody knew of, the manager gathered Ken in his own arms. "Back to practice. All dismissed at exactly 6:30." He firmly ordered, before he disappeared outside with his player.

The tall boy just watched calmly from not so far, his face an unexplainable blank.

What did he call him? Are they really that close now? 

He had seen those deep olive eyes. It was definitely not apprehension he saw in them. It was something that he never thought he could recognize.

---

Toru lay awake on his own bed that night, alone, which was something atypical. He was just letting his thoughts wander idly, aimless as he was. He was keeping himself from thinking one thing though.

How is _he _doing?

But his mind always wandered back. He fought the urge to go and see. Not that he was too lazy physically, it's just that…

That damn pride of his.

---

Thick dark lashes fluttered open as Kenji woke up. He stared at his surroundings for a while, trying to stir. He tried to rise, but realized that he can't. He groaned.

"Ken? Are you awake?"

Maybe because of his hangover, he thought for a second that it was Toru. Then in his still blurred sight, he made out a pair of eyes. Filled with worry, he saw. Quite familiar eyes. Dark green ones.

Green? Aren't they supposed to be black?

He blinked. And blinked. They were really green.

"How are you feeling?" He heard the voice say again. It was deep, as deep as he knew it, but it was more soothing, almost soporific, and much gentler than how he remembered. Then he recognized.

"Sempai? What are you doing here?" He said, his voice still groggy from sleep.

"I brought you home as the nurse told me to. You passed out in practice."

Kenji tried in vain to rise again, this time, succeeding. "Is that so? I'm sorry for the trouble sempai. I can manage now." He said, sitting but for his elbow. He fully sat up and motioned to actually get out of bed. The other man could just watch as his player pathetically struggled to move about.

"Are you sure?"

The signature smile. "Thanks really, sempai."

But then because of utter worry, Kaworu can't move to go at all.

"May I ask what time is it?"

"It's 9:00."

"I'll just see you tomorrow, then." Ken stood up weakly and brushed pass Kaworu towards the door. Just then he felt a hand grip his gently yet firmly.

"What's up, Ken?"

The boy didn't look back though frozen in his steps. "Nothing's up, sempai."

"Could you just tell me what happened to your wrists and ankles?"

Kenji then realized his wristbands were gone, and so were his shoes and socks. He could not answer.

"Tell me. Or maybe just why the nurse told me you haven't been sleeping well, or why you were suddenly burning with a fever a while ago."

Still, he could not answer.

"What is happening to you?"

"You don't understand. I have to go."

"Not unless you tell me what's wrong."

"There…there…" Bitter tears started to well Ken's blue eyes. "There is…" He could just deny it this one time, just so they could all go on and live their lives. But then, he couldn't possibly say it, even if it was just a lie. He wasn't even sure he wanted to go on with his life anymore.

Kaworu then managed to get Ken lying back on the bed again. "Can you tell me about it, Kenji?" He asked, his voice comforting in itself.

"I…I…he…"

"Shhh…calm down a bit… I'll listen."

And so he did. Ken told him all that's been happening for the past almost half year, how he was tired and hurt about it, and how Toru couldn't care less what he felt.

"Can't you just stop?" Kaworu whispered. He was lying with the boy on the bed, his arms around him. Ken's beautiful face leaned safely on his warm chest; their bodies huddled with each other, his shirt wet with tears.

"Hm?" The boy muttered in half-sleep. "Stop? I can't stop…" He uttered softly. "I don't want to stop…" Then he drifted off to slumber. For the first time in a long time, he actually fell sound asleep.

_--tsuzuku_


	5. Linger

**Linger **

_Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe  
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me  
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know_

A warm line of crimson trickled down the corner of Ken's rosy lips.

He had tried to argue yet again about why he hadn't been able to come the night before. He had to unconsciously raise the fact that he wasn't feeling good then, and this is what had happened.

"Aoyama slept at your house last night, didn't he!"

"He… took care of me. I told you, I was sick."

"Or maybe you just bitched around with him all night!"

Ken opened his mouth to say something but he can't find the words. "You think so?" He said grimly. For some reason, he can't believe Toru was saying these things to him.

"With you being the bitch you are, yes, I think so!"

"Yeah. His ass fucking was way better than what I always receive from you." He lied coldly.

Kenji could not come to school the next day. He wouldn't believe he had actually put up a fight with Toru, if not for his badly beaten body. Not that he had no reason to do so, it's just that he'd had enough courage to bat out. Only after this long a time.

"I didn't see you at practice today." Kaworu greeted as Ken opened the door for him.

"Things came up." Ken smiled.

The tall man sat himself at the couch. "Things?"

"I argued with Hanagata-kun."

Kaworu followed Ken to the kitchen. Ken was filling a kettle under the faucet to prepare tea. "Let me guess why you argued." He smiled.

"Stop fooling around, sempai. I know you know why—"

Ken could've sworn his heart stopped beating by then. He could feel sturdy semi-familiar arms encircle his waist. Kaworu buried his face onto Ken's shoulder, and found the sweet musky scent enthralling. They just stayed like that for moments, the smaller boy leaning into the comforting, almost intimate embrace.

"Call me Kaworu."

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" Kaworu whispered before kissing the young man below him.

Ken blushed, but not from the embarrassment of being bare against the eyes of another man. It's not like it's the first time, it's just that it's the first time someone complimented him for the beauty of it. "My beauty is at your mercy." He softly teased.

"Are you sure with this?"

Ken could not look at Kaworu's depthless olive eyes.

"I don't want to make a bitch out of you, Ken." He said, in a very serious yet tender voice.

"I know."

The tall man dropped to Ken's side, still not taking his eyes off him.

"Are you mad at me?"

Ken leaned into the touch of a big, warm hand on the side of his face. Kaworu smiled. "Never."

The small boy huddled against Kaworu's warm, bare chest, almost drowning in the security and utmost comfort he felt there. Kaworu held the smaller form in return. Even Ken himself cannot understand why he can't just fly away with this guy, knowing that the warmth he was in at the moment will always be his if he did. "Thank you, Kaworu."

_--tsuzuku_


	6. Inside

**Inside **

_(One minute you're on top)  
Next you're not watch it drop  
(Making your heart stop)  
Just before you hit the floor  
(One minute you're on top)  
Next you're not missed your shot  
(Making you're heart stop)  
You think you've won  
(And then its all gone)_

Toru had not been eating breakfast for two days now, because Ken had not been coming "home" for a couple of days to make him breakfast. Damn that.

"All dismissed. Freshmen stay to clean this place up." Kaworu ordered as he blew his whistle. Another day was done for.

A tall man with eyeglasses was mopping the floor reluctantly, but silent nevertheless, together with the other freshmen in the gym.

"Ken, you go clean the lockers."

"Hai!" Ken replied cheerfully as he trotted away.

A piercing glare erected the hairs at the back of the tall manager's head. He turned to look, and caught cold ebony eyes glaring at him. The ebony eyes of Toru Hanagata.

"What seems to be the problem, Hanagata?"

Toru just proceeded with his floor work, that ugly scowl still painted in his stony features.

The gym was already deserted, except for the tall guy that was gathering the scattered b-balls around the polished floor and another one that was busy scribbling something in a green notebook back on the home bench. The man sitting chuckled.

"Bet you haven't been eating breakfast, ne, Hanagata?"

"What does that have to do with you?" Toru replied, annoyed.

"Hmm, I think it's my fault." Kaworu smiled, still not taking his eyes and hands away from his scribbling away. Yeah, it really was his fault that no one was cooking breakfast for Toru in the morning.

Another infamous glare. "Mind your own business, sir."

"Why are you so dense? Are you mad at me?"

Toru never took his piercing stare away from the tall manager, his fists curled into ominous balls.

"Don't just stand there looking at me like that. Show me that you really are a man. Bring it on."

"I don't need to prove anything."

"Oh, indeed you don't. You never did prove anything, did you?" Kaworu asked, his tone rather challenging, trying his luck in psyching Toru. Things were going well so far.

Now Toru was scowling. He looked like he would kill the other man any minute. Kaworu's words shot him straight to the core, and he did not know whether to let go or hold back.

"I almost took him away, Hanagata. And I'm not giving up 'til I take him away from you." Kaworu said calmly.

Surprisingly, Toru smirked. He chuckled grimly. "Who, Fujima? Go ahead, take him. It's not like I'm the one who wanted him to be my bitch in the first place. I don't fucking care if he wants to be your bitch this time." He chuckled again. "He just like that, I guess. A bitch, and none less." He said, his voice overflowing with slur.

He walked away coolly after Kaworu had ignored him. As he proceeded into the corridor towards the lockers, he passed by a boy.

The boy, with chocolate colored strands of hair scattered on his forehead, his once azure eyes now a deep ocean of grief, stood there pressed deep against the wall, immobile. Ken was desperately wishing he were not there right then, not hearing the words, not feeling this sorrow and frustration, not choking back the tears. His name sounded so pathetic, mocking his dignity when said through Toru's lips, that he spited it himself.

Kenji Fujima was utterly disgusted with himself right now.

The tall player passed by like the boy was not there. "It's the truth, isn't it, Fujima?" He said sarcastically as he passed by him, a smirk on his face, not even pausing his pace.

There was a light expression painted on Kenji's face and a smile on his eyes as his fingers laced with the soft raven strands of Toru's hair. He shifted slightly, so as not to wake the man that had slept on top of him up.

The night was once again wasted like any other night they had, but rougher than usual. Toru had found the time and energy to 'spend' with Ken though he was exceptionally tired today, so tired that he had actually fallen asleep on top of the boy right then and there. It was cruel, but oddly enough, Ken found it sweet of Toru.

Ken looked at the taller man's face. He smiled. Toru looked like an innocent child while he slept. If people would hear their story, Ken knew they could readily laugh at the face of anyone that would say Toru was as innocent as a four year old boy, but deep within, this man really was just a child. A child that was misguided, a child that misunderstood everything. But in time, he knew Toru would reach the light. And Ken reassured him in silence that he would see to that.

_"I need to go, Kaworu."_

_"But I thought you're not going back to him."_

_"I…I have to do this. I almost forgot why I decided to do this in the first place."_

_"But Ken—"_

_"And I almost forgot that I'm not giving him up."_

And reassured himself that he was not lying, reassured himself that this is what he wanted.

_--tsuzuku_


	7. Frozen

**Frozen**

_I've become so numb  
I can't feel you there  
Become so tired  
So much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
All I want to do  
Is be more like me  
And be less like you_

"How are you?"

"How are you my ass." Toru replied sarcastically as always, as he dumped his bag onto the couch.

Ken had come "home" ahead of Toru today after persuading Kaworu that he had 'important' things to do. "Dinner." He said as he hung the apron on the counter wall. He had just finished cooking dinner for Toru. The whole household smelled like a happy day, but Toru didn't give a fuck as always. It's almost funny to think that Ken has always been the one to arrange big boy Toru's things and prepare his meals everyday. He he. Big boy Toru.

---

_"Do you remember me?"_

_Toru called Ken's name once more as he ran barefooted on the beach._

_"I tried to kill the pain…"_

_He called once again. He stopped when he saw Ken standing a distance from him, where the water was as deep as his knees._

_"I'm tired…"_

_Toru started to walk towards the boy. To his surprise, as his feet touched the foam, he couldn't move anymore._

_"Will you forget me?"_

_Ken had a sad look on his face and his eyes as he looked at Toru from where he was standing._

_"Will you find yourself without me?"_

_The boy started walking farther onto the sea. Toru called to him once again. Ken looked back._

_"I tried to help, Toru… I really tried…"_

_Ken walked and walked. Toru wanted to run to him and stop him, calling his name over and over, but he disappeared with the waves. The sea has taken him away._

Toru woke up to the jammed rumbling of his chest and his rib-ripping breathing. He sat there on his bed, trying to catch up with what just woke him up. Somehow in the middle of his immobility, the back of his mind expected familiar hands to touch him, arms to hold him and a sweet concerned voice, bleary from just-sleep but wide awake nevertheless, to ask him what the problem was. It took him a few seconds to realize that what he'd been expecting was taking long, so he glanced at the other side of the bed where he left that boy wasted, where that boy should be sleeping right now.

White. It was supposed to be flesh.

The tall man sprung from his bed almost simultaneously, draped his robe haphazardly on his body and tried to look for any signs of Ken anywhere in his room. A piece of paper set on his bedside table caught his attention. Some of the ink was smudged, but the letters could be made out.

_It has been a year, Toru. I'm sorry I failed you._

Shit. What is this?

Lights.

He shot at the bathroom door with edgy steps, trying to try a reasoning game with his mind while he did so. He didn't know why he was so nervous this time. There were so many possibilities. And he thought he didn't give a fuck. But his body shouted otherwise.

The bathroom door swung open.

_"Ken… " _

_--tsuzuku_


	8. Escape

**Escape**

_I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal _

Do you remember me  
Lost for so long  
Will you be on the other side  
Or will you forget me  
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved  
Am I too lost?

Ken lay curled on his side of the bed, where Toru left him wasted, where he should be sleeping. He was crying and feeling the same pathetic things again. Just like the first night.

And it has been 365 days after that night.

It was pointless. They weren't going anywhere. And Ken was guilty.

At first, he had decided to be the 'bitch' because Toru was mad at him. He wanted to be forgiven. That was at first. He realized why he wanted that forgiveness. Because Toru was so wrapped up in his own little dark world, and Ken wanted him to see the light. How?

He wanted him to be free of that bitterness he had been trying to blame the world for. Ken knew Toru was misguided. There was no fault done. His life as a kid all the way when he grew up, his feeling of loneliness, was the reason he felt so trashed. He just refused to know that reality and tried to blame everything that bitterness had done to him to everyone. Just so happens there was no 'everyone' but Ken. So he tried to blame him for the sake of hiding from his own confusion, but there was no one to blame. It was nobody's fault and Ken knew that. He was innocent.

And he still pulled through that pain for Toru, sacrificed his existence, bore the humiliation. He thought he could change the way he thought of the world someday with that. He thought Toru would see the pointlessness of his actions as well.

Because he loved him.

But he can't take anymore of the pain, more than physical pain, the pain of failure. And he was so tired he couldn't continue anymore of this nonsense. It wasn't helping Toru at all.

He shakily stood up from the silky comfort of the blanket, walked barefooted against the frozen ground. He stopped at the bedside table and scribbled something, the crystalline drops of his tears staining the small piece of paper. He continued towards the bathroom, where the ground was even colder. He closed the door and opened the mounted cabinet just as soundlessly. There he found what he needed.

He turned the water on the tub, the water unbearably cold like liquid ice because of winter, but he bore it anyway. It was even colder than the last time, and it numbed him completely in an instant. His breath came in and out in short, trembling gasps because of the insufferable cold.

But still, the feelings didn't leave.

He stared at the gleaming piece of metal in his hand before he plunged it down his skin. He cut down, not across, on the inside of his left forearm, not across his wrist. Because he meant to die.

And even as the tub filled with his blood, the feelings still persisted.

His consciousness was fading instead...

_--tsuzuku_


	9. Fallen

**Fallen**  
  
_If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave  
  
_To his surprise, Ken woke up.  
  
He didn't know where he was, as he could only make out hazy white obscurity all around his eyes. He tried to stir for a moment, a half of his mind wondering and the other half looking for angels or fire or something that would mean afterlife.  
  
_Blink, blink._  
  
He tried to move, but to his dismay, he can't. His arms, his hands, even his fingers. It took a while for the sense of touch to come back to his skin, and not long after it did he felt warmth by his arm. The thought of his immobility escaped his mind at that moment, and the monstrous effort to rise from the bed turned out resulting a very slight shudder.  
  
"Ken?"  
  
The boy hardly made out the sound of his name; moreover recognize the voice that had said it. He tried to speak, but a strangled sigh was all that was heard.  
  
He tried again. "Kaworu..?" He muttered weakly.  
  
Toru closed his eyes for a breath, feeling the cold air piercing his lungs. "No Ken. It's Toru."  
  
A faint smile formed on Ken's totally pale lips. "Hanagata... it's nice to know you're here."  
  
Big warms hands squeezed a limp, cold one, the moment he heard Ken speak again. He hid his face under his hands. He couldn't explain what he felt when he heard the tone of the boy's soft, groggy voice. He really didn't know, but he wanted to die right then and there. He really wanted to.  
  
"I...I'm sorry, Ken..." He managed to mutter.  
  
"I'm the one who should be sorry...it was so much trouble for you to bring me here..."  
  
Toru was speechless. Trouble? He could've died and he was worrying about that fucking trouble??  
  
"...You should have just gone back to bed..." Ken continued, his lifeless blue eyes locked with glistening black ones as he smiled faintly again.  
  
Toru could've sworn his brain interpreted the words _'Your interest is more important than my life, right?'_ The tall man cannot quite comprehend what he felt sliding down his cheeks.  
  
"As soon as I can manage, I promise I'll make it up for the trouble..." There was hopelessness in his voice, like the pain of accepting the cruel reality that he had been saved from sure death, as he already accepted the will-be consequences of his 'wrong' actions. Toru's consequences to be exact.  
  
Ken expected Toru's unknowingness or misunderstanding of him and his reasons as always. _Again.  
  
_But really, the truth had dawned on Toru's consciousness. Ken had been going through all this, had been trying to live up to him knowing that he had no reason to do so. He just wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to find himself and take a direction. And what did he do? He ignored the truth in front of him, forced himself not to see for the denial of defeat.  
  
Since the beginning, it was about his pride all along.  
  
He knew he didn't want Aoyama to take Ken away from him, he knew. What did he do? He lied even to himself because he didn't want to admit 'lowliness' to the two persons he looked down upon, so he pretended to take the thing as 'possessiveness' for his 'toy'. Possessiveness? He was scared to be alone, without that one person who made him feel in control. Pride.  
  
He knew he was lost. What did he do? He redirected his anger for his confusion to the whole world, to Ken, just because he found a blind reason. He didn't want to admit that he needed help. Pride once and again.  
  
And now what happened? Ken almost died because of his idiocy and egocentricity. Damn that. And who was Ken to him now? He was a savior. Ken had saved him from himself. And he had to risk his life just to do it. Why is Ken like this? Why did he have to do it? Why was he like this? So selflessly willing, even giving up his dignity, his whole being--  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
Ken was startled. "...Hanagata...?"  
  
"Stop it, Ken...please stop being like this..."  
  
Ken was even more startled to see Toru break down and surrender to tears.  
  
"...Why are you crying...?" The boy muttered in utmost confusion.  
  
"I almost killed you...hate me...hate me!" Toru sounded pathetic and he knew that, but he didn't bother care. He doesn't even know where he already was. Hate me...because I hate myself.  
  
Azure eyes stared at the crumpled figure by his side, lost between sadness and happiness. He got it now. Toru made it. He did it. Finally, he smiled, but did not speak.  
  
"Why are you smiling...? I ruined you! Look at you! I did that to you!"  
  
And then the air became filled with still uneasiness and silent calmness at the same time.  
  
"I love you, Toru." Ken uttered weakly, his head turned away from the other man, facing the draped windows that shielded the room from the blackness of night. He was smiling, and his eyes were soft. He knew this from the very beginning, and it can't be denied. Can't be hidden. Toru needed an explanation, and this was it. So simple, yet so hard to understand.  
  
Yes, this was the ultimate reason. Four words explained a whole year of angst and agony.  
  
"I...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt you anymore, Ken."  
  
Ken looked at Toru and smiled. "Happy birthday, Toru-kun."  
  
_---  
  
_Kaworu didn't show up for days, weeks, months, he didn't even know what happened to Ken. Turns out that his father, the coach, became sick. And then it turns out that it was only half a month before the start of final four rounds for InterHigh qualifications. Turns out they didn't have a coach and a manager as well. Turns out they manage to make it to the InterHigh, second to Kainan. Turns out that the player named Kenji Fujima, just half-fresh from the hospital, became manager and coach as well, not to mention pointguard and aceplayer. Sure to be future-captain.  
  
Yippee.  
  
The ex-manager showed up at the finals game between Kainan and Shoyo, just watched at the highest bleachers. Ken waved at him and he smiled back. The end of the match was the last that Ken and Toru ever saw Kaworu Aoyama.  
  
_--tsuzuku _


	10. Break

**Break**

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all of my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

I am 18 today.

Am I still a bad boy?

My life is still a garbage can. I still hate myself, more that ever in fact, but just me. The world had nothing to do with it. I know better now. Thanks to the only person that noticed I existed.

Kenji Fujima.

The one who had me catching up with myself, the one who convinced me to look for a purpose, for my direction. Now, I still can't find it. I'm so trapped in the guilt I brought myself. Eventhough our team qualified for the InterHigh, eventhough we've proven something, eventhough I felt like I've done something now...those things...all those things that happened, those things I did...all just before I turned 17...I can't. I just can't.

Guilt. I haven't tried looking at him even once for the past year, except when I really needed to. Eventhough no one knew what happened. I know it's not just guilt for something I've done just to someone. This guilt is much more torturing...the guilt for doing something utterly horrible not just to someone, but to someone my soul and heart held dear.

Yes, I love Kenji Fujima.

I know I do. I always did. That, and my damn conceit, explains my possessiveness, and my jealousy of Aoyama. I know that now. Fuck myself because of that. I love him so much I hated him. Not having to let myself love him is not enough to satisfy my guilt. How could I do this to him? He was the one thing I had, everything I had. I almost lost him. Just because of my pride and immaturity. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I don't deserve the beauty of this snow outside my window. I don't deserve anything beautiful anymore. I don't deserve anything good anymore. I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve him. Not after what he did. Not after what I did.

Knock, knock.

"Hanagata-kun?"

_Ken..._

"Hanagata-kun...?"

_Ken..._

"It's me."

Yes, it is you. How could I ever mistake that voice for anybody else? And it's you, so I don't want to open that door. I don't want to see you today. Not today. Please, don't knock again...

"Please open up, Hanagata-kun."

Or else I would let you in.

"It's...it's open." I mutter silently, my eyes pasted on the window. I don't want to see you.

I hear him enter the room. Please go away, I don't want to hate myself further.

"Hey there. How are you?"

I don't know what to answer. I'm not well. But I don't want him to ask further. "Fine."

"Hanagata-kun, you're lying."

"Please don't call me that." It hurts. But I wanted you to call me that, right? Not now. Please, not now.

"I'm sorry...Toru-kun." He muttered, unsure if it was okay to call me by my name.

"Why are you here?" I ask softly. I have been here before. A long time before, and it didn't turn out fine. Damn, I don't want to look back at that, though I remember it like the day I was born. You didn't want anybody to know because you wanted to protect me. You hid it for me and not for yourself. I thank you for that.

"I just want to see how you are doing on your birthday, is that too bad?" I've been here. I've been here.

"Thank you, Ken. Now if you don't mind, I want to be alone." I don't want you here; I don't want you near me. Though I want you so badly, I don't deserve you near me. Please go away.

"No, Toru-kun. I don't want to go."

I looked at him though it's so hard to. He's still beautiful, but I'm not too sure. I flawed his faultlessness. I know I ruined him. Is he still beautiful?

"Look at you." I whisper, staring at his eyes. I stand up. I take his left arm in my hand. There is a white armband there. This is where he cut himself. "You almost lost everything because of me."

"...You gave everything back, Toru-kun." He said, not taking his eyes off mine. I don't know what he is saying. What did I give back?

"What do you really want, Ken? You're confusing me."

"I want you to let me love you."

"No, Ken. I can't possibly..." I was about to turn away from him, but he took my lips on his own. Please don't do this. I don't want to be loved; I don't deserve to be loved.

"Please, Toru...let me...I love you so much..." He whispered against my chest.

"After what I did to you...? You still want to...? I--"

"More than anything else..."

What now? I'm too guilty. I'm scared that I would hurt him again if I did. I want to make him happy. I'm so confused. Him or myself? Damn.

"Do it for me...Toru..."

Please don't cry, Ken. I don't want you to cry anymore. I enclose him in my arms to hush his tears. I guess I'm giving him what he needs, what he wants. I know I'll do everything for him now.

I push him away from me gently so I could look at him. "Do you remember what I said? I don't want to hurt you anymore." Change your mind. I really don't want to.

"And you also said that you don't want me to hurt anymore, didn't you?"

I understand that he's hurting so much now because of me. I tilt his face upward with my fingers, and kiss him gently. "Yes." I breathe, his face a hair's breadth from mine.

"Then free yourself..." He whispers in reply before he kisses me again.

Free myself?

Free me, Ken. Free me. Take me away. I want you. I need you.

"I love you."

I whisper again. He smiles. His smile is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Well, next to his eyes looking at me like this. I know he loves me. I see it in his eyes. I feel it in the air that gently blows against my face as he breathes. I hear it in his words. I love him so much.

He breaks away and stands to the tip of his toes. I bend down a little; he is trying to whisper something to me.

"Take me..."

What?? Goddamn fuck me in the name of all that is good! What the hell--

I smile nervously. I am confused. "Ken, what are you--"

"I want you to...make love to me, Toru..."

I hold him in my arms. I can tell he is in shock right now. My heart is racing in my throat right now and I don't know what to say. I am so scared. I don't want to hurt him. Not ever. Don't ask me to hurt you again, Ken.

"No. No. I said I don't want to hurt you." I feel myself squeeze him tighter as my voice rises slightly. I feel him bury his face in my shoulders in response.

"Don't be scared...you won't hurt me, I promise..." He says as his hands travel up and down upon my back soothingly.

"I will...I will...I know I will..." I refuse, I really do. My eyes are squinted, like a little boy not wanting to take a bath. A little boy I am, I don't want to.

"Free yourself...let yourself love me...feel me..." He calms me so much. I don't know what to feel. He wants me so badly. I want him so badly. Could I really let myself go?

He kisses me again. I kiss back. I am doing this.

"Let yourself go..." He whispers again as he pulls me down on the bed, his arms wrapped around my neck. I love you so much. Am I really doing this?

I feel the warmth of his skin against mine. I am so lost. His skin is perfect. I feel him, I feel him completely. I claim him now. I stop.

"I'm sorry, Ken." I whisper. I know I hurt him.

He smiles back at me. "Free yourself..."

And free myself I do. I trust his words. I trust him with everything. I trust myself to him. He is mine and I am his.

"Let go..."

And let myself go I do. I do not want to lose this bond, but I have to now. I take him inside my arms. I do not want to let go of him now. I love him so much.

"I love you, Toru." He says as he kisses me one last time before falling into the curve of my shoulder. I want him to feel safe here, right now, and as long as I can love him.

"Thank you...I love you too..." I whisper as I drift off to sleep myself. Our fingers entwine, and would never separate. I have him now, and he has me.

I found myself in him. I have everything.

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
(Unless I try to start again)  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again  
I'll paint it on the walls  
Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight_

---Owari--- 


End file.
